My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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