...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
