god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
