and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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