Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
