Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
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Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
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There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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