Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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