so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
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I queefed so loud it echoed.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
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do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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