My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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