but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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