nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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