Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
