I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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