The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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