i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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