I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
