im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
