Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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