no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dicks are not precious.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
