I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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