he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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