he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
