i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The air was thick with penises
No...this little piggys going to the bar
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
