I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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