I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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