And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
