Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
50% drunk capacity currently
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
