So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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