I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
