i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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