I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you will always have a special place in my vag
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
