Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
