Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
