there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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