Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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