Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
