The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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