You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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