you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
