I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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