cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
