I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
