Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
