Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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