Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
