This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
