Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
