my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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