I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
