my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
