Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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