My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
