Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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