when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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