I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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